Understanding Children: Helping Children with their Feelings about Winning and Losing 

As a continuation of last month’s topic (When Enough is Not Enough), we will discuss the meaning of winning and losing to young children at different developmental stages. This is a similar topic to last month’s topic in that a child’s capacity to accept losses gracefully depends on where they are developmentally as well as how they are feeling on the inside (playing to win can be an attempt to find an “outside fix” to an inside problem). Read on for more!

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Wins and Losses: The Meaning to Children under Six 

Until the age of six or so, children tend to have a more magical view of their world. They often believe in magical powers: their own (e.g., the power of a wish to be known to others or to bring about action) as well as others’ (e.g., the power of their parents to know everything, protect, and make all things better). It stands to reason that anything that threatens the sense of safety this magical thinking brings is undesirable and to be avoided! Furthermore, young children tend to view their world in concrete ways: Good characters and bad characters. Heroes win and villains lose. Winning means I’m good and losing means I’m bad. With all of this in mind, we can see that winning a game, for a young child, is so much more than the isolated achievement, especially if their wish to win is strong. It supports a young child’s feeling that they are powerful, good, and protected from life’s dangers.

While elementary-aged children can often be competitive, their magical thinking about the world is gradually shifting into a more mature world view, one that is comprised of shades of grey (sometimes good people lose, but they’re still good and good people have flaws or make mistakes, too) and peppered with the realities that there aren’t magical fixes to life’s challenges. As the magical world view fades, a child’s ability to cope with the realities of the world grows, and an event such as a loss of a game – when it doesn’t symbolize power, control, or safety – can be taken in stride.

For some children, the process of letting go of magical thinking and accepting life’s realities does not come easily. For others, self-esteem and sense-of-self can influence their wish to control external factors. For these children, losing hurts in a deeper way.

Determining how to best help a child with any feeling begins with understanding the reasons for the feeling as well as the child’s age and where they fall along the developmental line of magical thinking. For a young child who has a fear of villains or monsters, for instance, mostly winning remains important while exposure to the occasional loss lends itself to reassurance that losing a game doesn’t make one weak or bad. As a child grows older, comments that separate outcomes from what they may symbolize help prepare a child for the unpredictability that lies ahead, “Now remember, sometimes you win, sometimes I win, but a game is just a game. How are you feeling about that today?”

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And here’s a refresher on “outside and inside fixes” from last month’s post:

An “outside fix” is an attempt to alleviate discomfort with something external (such as a reward or toy, or, in the case of the current topic, winning). An “inside fix” addresses the inside problem and brings a child’s attention to their inner world, helping them recognize how their internal states of mind drive their needs and wishes. Ideally, help for a child’s internal discomfort consists of a healthy blend of both outside and inside fixes, for instance providing some additional nurturing and support (i.e., the adult playing a little less competitively on days when the child is feeling more sensitive or vulnerable) while gently talking about the reasons why such help is needed. Helping a child with the root cause of the behavior will have deeper impact and a better chance at providing lasting relief for their inner world.