“The holidays are supposed to be a joyful time, but last year around this time I noticed that my children seemed more withdrawn and irritable than usual. My four-year-old had trouble sleeping and my eight-year-old was teary and emotional. How can we plan ahead to help everyone enjoy the season?”
You are wise to think ahead about how to make the holidays a meaningful experience for your children. It takes some work and preparation to help your children through the holiday season.
We all depend on order and predictability. New experiences and celebrations can be exciting and fun, but even adults rely on stability and constancy. Children need even more stability and predictability than adults to be emotionally grounded. This is because children are just building their internal foundation of stability and depend on the external environment as an anchor. The younger the child, the more this is the case.
Holidays bring change and stress for children in many ways. The routines of school, sleep, diet, and parent schedules are all impacted. There may be more babysitters. Parents may be busy and preoccupied. There may be travel or overnight guests.
In addition, children are anticipating a special day in which they may or may not receive some of their most wished-for items. There may be beliefs about a strange man or magical creatures who appear only once per year, sneaking in their home and only delivering gifts if the children have been good enough. This may be delightful for some, but very worrying for others.
Lucy Daniels Center recommends some ways to decrease holiday stress:
- Pay attention to your own well-being. A parent’s stable emotional state is the bedrock of consistency and security in a child’s life. Your calm will diminish your children’s distress, and your distress will increase any distress your children might be feeling. Eat well, exercise, get adequate sleep, and limit extra activities. If the holidays are stressful for you given your past experiences, try to think about the reasons that you become depressed or anxious and talk with people who are understanding and supportive;
- Prioritize being present in your children’s life as much as possible, perhaps forgoing some parties or events;
- Focus on values whether secular or faith-based, including the value of giving to others. Children who receive but are not asked to give are more likely to feel entitled, greedy, or even guilty. Children feel grounded and secure when they have concrete ways to help and give to others during the holiday season. Giving does not have to be relegated to tangible gifts; it can also be acts of helping and thoughtfulness;
- Develop special routines that provide structures and consistency during the holiday time. Encourage your children to actively participate in these traditions. They can help bake, decorate, deliver gifts, and contribute to charitable decisions. One reason people treasure these childhood holiday traditions is because they were a time of warmth and predictability during a season that has many changes.
Minimize the changes that you can control:
- Avoid unfamiliar babysitters.
- Maintain bedtime routines as much as possible.
- Consider that very young children may not be able to tolerate the suspense of whether or not they will receive a longed-for item. Your four-year-old may do well with knowing that they are receiving something they wished for and the tradition of making gifts a surprise can wait until they are a little older. There is no law that you cannot spill the beans, allowing your child to gradually grow into a capacity to better tolerate the suspense.
Wishing you all the happiest of holidays!
