Understanding Children: When Enough is Not Enough

Some parents find themselves faced with the dilemma of how much they should gratify their child’s wishes and where they should draw the line at enough being enough. Some children create long lists of must-have items or demand attention, have many if not all of those wishes fulfilled, yet are still left feeling let down or disappointed in some way. Parents may attempt to avoid these disappointments and upsets by showering their child with an abundance of gifts and giving in to various demands, only to find that at the end of the day, their efforts simply weren’t enough to quell their child’s wish for more. Why is it that some children always seem to be seeking more while others can be content with what they have?

Understanding behavior that seeks more:

The seeking – or not seeking – of external gratification is a behavior. The key to understanding why a child behaves or acts a certain way is to think of their behaviors as responses to, or expressions of, emotional states. Behaviors can be understood as external clues about a child’s internal states of mind. A child who is generally content and settled emotionally (i.e., not overly anxious, distressed, or depressed) will likely also be content and satisfied with external elements of their world (e.g., comfortably entertaining oneself and playing on their own, feeling flexible enough to go with the flow of the family’s plans, accepting what is served at mealtimes, or feeling okay with receiving some but not all items wished for).

Noticing the moments when a child seeks more:

As with all behaviors, we suggest that parents first distinguish whether a particular behavior is one that is out of the ordinary or one that is ongoing and persistent. Seeking external gratification comes in many forms, including needing more attention or resisting being alone (not feeling comfortable on one’s own), being resistant to going along with the family’s routines or activities, being especially “picky” about or unsatisfied with food, or not feeling satisfied with the possessions one has. Is a child’s seeking of external gratification symptomatic of a recent event (e.g., could it be a reaction to something like the arrival a new sibling, the start of a new school year, or another significant change?) or does it seem more persistent?

Bringing a child’s attention to their inner world:

The seeking of external gratification – or external remedies – may be a sign that there is an uncomfortable or bad feeling a child is experiencing that they are trying to cover, get rid of, or distract from. In cases in which this type of behavior is an uncommon occurrence, parents may be able to pinpoint the trigger and gently bring their child’s seeking of an external remedy to their attention. For instance, a parent could say, “Nothing seems to feel right or good enough lately. Things have been feeling a little different since [the change]. I will keep this in mind and give you some extra help.” When the cause is unknown, a parent can comment accordingly, “You’ve been needing more [such and such] lately and I’m not sure why that is. I can get this for you, and it may help for a little while, but it won’t fix the problem on the inside that is bothering you.” These types of comments can open doors to further communication, potentially leading to discussions that help a child recognize that their use of external gratification is an attempt to alleviate some internal discomfort.

Outside fixes vs. inside fixes:

An “outside fix” is an attempt to alleviate discomfort with something external (such as a reward or toy). An “inside fix” addresses the inside problem and brings a child’s attention to their inner world, helping them recognize how their internal states of mind drive their needs and wishes. Ideally, help for a child’s internal discomfort consists of a healthy blend of both outside and inside fixes, for instance providing some additional nurturing and support while gently talking about the reasons why such help is needed. Helping a child with the root cause of the behavior will have deeper impact and a better chance at providing lasting relief for the discomfort.